Regret. It is the foundation that has the power to shape all of our future choices. It’s a feeling that, when fostered long enough, can lead to self-destruction and broken relationships. We channel our current circumstances through the pain of our past, and soon we find ourselves wondering how we became the cracked and crippled person we are today. We look around, trying desperately to stop the bleeding from our self-inflicted wounds, glancing behind at the pile of smoke and ashes we’ve created in our wake. The end result? Regret; the mangled, mutilated feeling of our own past mistakes that have finally caught up to us. We begin to run, faster and faster, filled with the sheer terror that we might actually have to deal with the annihilation we’ve constructed in our own hearts, and all around us. That regret quickly turns to blind shame, forcing us to cower into the darkness with our hands tied behind our backs, certain we are too dirty, too broken to ever walk into the light again.

The darkness has a way of speaking warped logic and fear-filled lies to our minds and our hearts, convincing us that we are not worthy of what the light offers. We believe our mistakes are too great, our wounds are too deep and our pasts are too contaminated. We feel like hypocrites, wandering in the shadows where we’ve become comfortable in our sin and complacent with our choices. Shame is the tool the enemy uses to cripple us from stepping into who Jesus calls us to be. 

Shame, in full bloom, starts slowly with the planted seed of regret, and soon has you right where he wants you – isolated in the shadows with the reality of your own mistakes weighing heavily on your chest. You begin to believe the lie that you are your choices, you are the mistakes you’ve made, which only pushes you further back into the blackness. You start to live your life with the mentality that you are unworthy, you are unclean, and you begin to settle. You settle for earthly affirmation, placing your identity and happiness in the approval of others. You crave to be filled, so you search for a significant other that gives you this temporary fix of feeling wanted. You ache to numb the pain of your own iron shackles, so you reach for anything that distracts you from the cold, hard reality of your brokenness.

I, too, have been in this place of shameful darkness, clouded by the fog of my own mistakes. I have been left cowering on the floor beneath the shadows of my past – heart bleeding, and mind gripped with arduous insecurity and excruciating horror. I replay the choice –  instantly regrettable – over and over in my mind. I cry to myself, wishing more than anything I could go back in time and take it all back. Take back the hurt I caused on myself, and the hurt I inflicted on the people around me. I would take back that small, insecure little girl, along with all of the wounds she created because of her deep desire to be wanted, to be chosen. Then, I look up and am forced to face the cold hard truth –  I can’t go back. I can’t erase the choices I regret. I can’t take back the hurt I inflicted. I can’t ignore my own festering lesions. Shame speaks to my already wounded soul from my defeated place on the floor, and whispers, “You are the mistakes that you made.”  This lie slowly suffocates me by wrapping itself around me like a thick, wool blanket.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever made a choice that in the moment seemed harmless, only to look back later and be smacked in the face with your own regret? It is the hardest and most difficult place to walk out of. It is so much easier to pretend it doesn’t exist at all. When you begin to make camp in your place of shame, your reality becomes warped. You begin to act out of an insecurity you didn’t realize was there. Your words start to become ugly and your heart hardens in ways you don’t even recognize. I have never been at my most insecure than when I have refused to deal with my regret. Without even noticing at first, my wounds start to show in every area of my life – my marriage, my job, my friendships, how I relate to my family, and the list goes on. I become selfish and removed, heartless and irritable, challenging and disobedient. A very wise friend told me once, that if you do not deal with your stuff, your stuff is going to deal with you – and sweetie, that just isn’t a good look.

For me, I put up walls. I stop praying. Going to church starts to seem like an annoyance rather than a gift. I value that extra hour of sleep over time I should be spending with my Creator. I tell myself that it’s because my life is too busy; I’m just too exhausted. Reality check – I don’t want to deal with my shame. I don’t want to look at my stuff. I have chosen to believe the lie that Jesus loves me less because I am the mistakes I’ve made. So instead of running to Jesus, I have chosen to separate myself from Him because I don’t know how to approach the might of His presence with the overwhelming weight of my chains and unclean hands. At my worst, I picture Him with a scowl on His face, waving His holy finger at me – so completely blown away with disappointment and aggravation. He can’t be bothered with my petty mistakes and stupid choices because He’s perfect and He’s God, and I am only welcome in His presence if I am following the rules and making pretty choices. 

Shame drives us to separation from God, which leads us to live a life filled with performance based, conditional love. That is why we run to other people and things to fill ourselves; that is why we find we are never happy when we do, and are always left empty, searching for more.

Do you want to know the truth about how the Creator of your soul views your dirty choices and ugly past? He weeps. His tears are not filled with condemnation or exile. They are not angry or full of hate. They are filled with the same hurt you carry around that you believe is too dirty to give to Him. He weeps because He longs for you to run to Him – not so He can list all of your mistakes, but so He can embrace you and remind you of how gently healing and life giving His presence is. He weeps because He loves you and can’t bear to see you cowering away in the shadows, weighted down with your pain heavy on your heart. He weeps because He sees the person you were created to be, but you are too distracted by your own shame to step into all He has for you. He is heavy with deep sorrow because an existence without an intimate relationship with you is His version of darkness.

I want to tell you something, and I need you to hear it with ears wide open – you are not powerful enough to make a decision that would cause Him to abandon you. You are not so important that your past mistakes and deeply rooted regret are too much for His healing touch. He gives you free access to the light, where your festering wounds can be washed clean and your past made new. You just have to take a leap of faith and trust that His love is so magnificent, so mighty, that it can literally change the entire trajectory of your life. He really does turn those ugly ashes to beauty, if you allow Him to take down your walls and remove that suffocating blanket of shame. I know how easy it is to stay comfortably seated in that place of cowering on the floor amidst your ashes. But sister, when you begin to wear the choices you’ve made like a cute, new leather jacket from TJ Maxx – it is seriously time to make a change. You cannot function healthily while remaining seated in the shame of your own past. You cannot use it as a security blanket or as an excuse to stop growing. It’s time to let Jesus help you off the floor, and put in the work of stepping toward the Lover of your Soul. You can’t keep hiding behind the hurt. You can’t keep making current choices through the funnel of your past. It’s time to take off the black leather jacket of shame and replace it with His gorgeous grace. You are worth more than the choices you’ve made! You are worth more than that cheap leather jacket! It’s time to take back that hideous past and allow Him to redeem every hurt in His own timing.

I want to leave you with a Scripture that is highlighted and underlined over and over again in my Bible, where the page is a little more worn than most:

Romans 8:37-39 says,

“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors 

through Him who loves us. 

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons, 

neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from 

the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Read it again. And then read it again. And then write it down on a notecard and tape it to your bathroom mirror. Set it as a reminder in your phone to go off every day. Recite it out loud when those feelings of shame start to creep in. Shout it in your living room, in your car, in the bathroom at work. Use it as a weapon to pump yourself up with the truth that absolutely nothing can separate you from the love your Creator has for you! No bad decision, past mistake, your worst choice, absolutely nothing can take you away from His grace! Nothing you do will ever make Him leave you. Nothing you do will ever be able to remove your royal title as a Beloved Child of the One True King, Jesus. Warriors, rest confidently in that truth this week and let it be the truth that completely changes the way you live your life. May it be the truth that sets you free and allows you to step into the life you were created for – a life lived loved.