I’m joining today with the Five Minute Friday community of writers who write for 5 minutes about a one word prompt.
Today’s writing prompt: EXCUSE
These words today are more of an outpour, evidence that it’s been a weary week.
There hasn’t been just one thing, one moment, one situation that I can pinpoint or blame for this exhaustion that’s set into my bones and taken up residency in my soul.
The anxiety came from somewhere deep within like it had been sleeping only to be woken by a giant beast of a thing:
I’m too tired to sugarcoat it and honestly, it’s not in my DNA to do so anyway so I’ll just say it.
I despise change.
Not only do I despise it, I don’t handle it well.
The structure of my daily routines flies out the window and you’d think I’m three years old again watching my ice cream cone slowly and dramatically topple to the floor.
I had no idea before this great, big season of transition just how much security I place in the structure and rhythms of my life.
There’s safety and a sense of comfort in the soft rhythms of a life you, yourself create.
And I’ve built my walls and floors around that comfort.
But it’s all fake and false, because whether I want to admit it to myself or not, I cannot excuse myself from change.
I can’t run from it. Or, perhaps I can, but doing so would only leave me even more of a mess than I already am.
It will always come. And I’m reminded today that growth doesn’t happen in the stagnant soil of structure and predictability.
Growth happens in the scary, terrifying, uncomfortable space of change and transition.
I try to tackle this beast – change – and submit it to my will only to be reminded that it’s God’s will I should be submitting to.
There’s a sacred, silent wrestling that’s been happening between me, change and the One who created us both.
And in the wrestling, in the anxiety-ridden moments when I feel I might explode from my skin, I hear the Creator’s whisper come slow and steady;
I, the Lord, do not change.
His words from Malachi 3:6 fall heavy into my soul and ground my wandering heart to His rhythms rather than my own.
There’s a sweet release here and the pressure to perform, control and anticipate what’s next falls flat on the floor next to that ice cream cone and my three year old, tantrum-prone self runs to the arms of her Heavenly Father.
He wants to help me build a new house, one built on the foundation of a simple, powerful truth.
He can never be altered.
Not even by my altering circumstances and my ever wandering, anxious-ridden heart.
His heart doesn’t wander, His mind doesn’t explode from anxiety or ‘what ifs’ and His soul shows no signs of turmoil or travesty.
He breathes in mercy and exhales grace and love is the evidence left behind.
Even knowing this, I still don’t like change and I may not ever handle it well.
But He’s with me and He’s constant, and right now – today, in this moment – that is enough.
So I’ll grow scared, follow His lead, and trust that growing is better than remaining.
For those of you wrestling with an inner battle because of your outer circumstances, take heart, you are not alone.
I pray this Psalm of David over you today, friend, and I pray that God give you peace in the growing.
Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him.
Truly He is my Rock and salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken.Psalm 62:1-2
Let’s grow scared, together.